Prices to Pay
by dayuuuumgirl
Summary: Her mind says Julian. Her heart says Alex. The government says neither. Set after Pandemonium.


**Whoo hooo! Branched out from writing Mortal Instrument FF and decided to try something else! Set in a slightly altered setting.**

**Background: Set after Pandemonium, near Washington DC. Alex and Julian have met, lots of tension, hatred, etc. The Invalids have accrued more people, and have gotten many of the uncured/pre-procedured kids on their side. The government is in revolt. DFA and Scavengers are on the government side, and the Invalids and teens nationwide are calling for reform. The group is currently living in an apartment complex with many floors and a main lobby. **

**Have fun reading(:**

When my eyes open, someone's warm palm is pressed against mine. For a minute, while my sleep-consumed mind whirls to action, I lie there, confused, wondering, monitoring the pressure and warmth from the hand. Alex? Or Julian?

Then, with no doubt, I know. Julian. Of course.

He lies beside me, in deep slumber. His eyelashes cast long shadows over his cheekbones and his blond curls fan out around his pillow. In sleep, his face relaxes, the weary shadows and lines of tension from recent events disappearing, and he looks younger, happier.

Gently, I extricate my fingers from his grasp and slip outside the apartment, stopping by the door to pull on my running shoes. On days like this, when my mind still blurs Alex and Julian together, I need fresh air. I need to feel the solid ground beneath me, giving me something steady to hold on to while our surroundings churn in upheaval and revolt against the government and the DFA.

I pass by the apartment adjacent to ours, where Tack, Raven and Alex live together. Julian and I share our space with Hunter and Sarah and a few other refuges. Raven's apartment, though, is where we meet and discuss our next plan.

Julian's waiting for me when I burst back into the downstairs lobby, panting and red-faced. Flashing him a weary smile, I drag my legs over to him and he gives me a hug – and immediately pulls back.

"Gross," he grins. "You stink."

"Yeah, well." I roll my eyes. "I just ran, like, 5K. What'd you expect?"

He opens his mouth to reply, but I suddenly stiffen. My eyes meet hardened, cold ones over Julian's shoulder. They stare at me, oozing accusations, contempt, and hatred. Breathing becomes impossible. Julian notices and his eyes narrow. Dark stormy blue eyes, so different from the melting golden brown eyes from another lifetime. Luckily, Tack bounds down from the stairs just then and calls Julian over.

No way to avoid anything now. I navigate my way past other residents to where Alex is slouched in a corner. Everything about his posture screams _hate hate hate_.

"Hi," I say forcibly.

He nods equally stiffly.

"How's the bread?" I gesture to the untouched toast in his hands. He shrugs, his eyes never leaving my face. Under their scrutinizing gaze, I feel vulnerable and tiny. Uncomfortable. Ugly, even. Funny how they used to make me feel beautiful.

"Well," I try again. "Did you hear about the new plan Raven has? It sounds intense, but at least they're letting me in on it. Unlike last time." I laugh nervously, like it was all a big joke. As if.

He doesn't. "Yeah. I did. I made sure I wasn't in the same group you were in."

Ouch. Although I guess he has every right to hurt me. He gave me his life, and I gave it away to Julian. I risked my life to save Julian, whereas for Alex, I just ran, ran away from him and the Crypts. And now he's found me again, with someone else.

But he doesn't know what I've suffered. How I dreamed of him, cried for him, screamed for him in my nightmares. How much I've missed him. How much I wished it was me who was left behind, not him. I loved him. I did. And I still might.

I duck my head and force myself to blink away the tears. "Oh," I say. "That's reasonable. I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll go."

I'm halfway across the room when he stops me.

"Lena."

"Yes?" His head is tilted to one side, and I see the four digit number from the Crypts tattooed on his neck. His eyes are dark and impenetrable, with something swirling and storming inside.

"Just – Just be safe this time."

My breath catches. _Alex, Alex, Alex._

"I won't be able to save you like last time."

A fence with smoke and flames fill my vision. I choke, unable to stop the onslaught of emotions I've shut out from trampling through me. Fear. Desperation. Longing. Agony. Sorrow. Love.

"And frankly," Alex continues, "I'm not sure Julian would do the same for you."

There it is. Those insinuations that Julian does not love me the way he did. He throws them at me, from time to time, at the most unexpected moments. Moments like these, when he knows I'm on the verge of a tall precipice, about to fall, about to break.

"What about me?" Julian comes up behind me and lays a hand on my waist. His voice is hard, lacking the usual sweetness.

Alex grows silent again. He stares at Julian for a while longer, turns on his heel, and walks away. The people in front of him clear a path, as if his coldness is palpable and is driving them back.

I turn to Julian with a weak smile. "Nothing important. Alex's just being himself. Like always."

But Julian's not convinced. And neither am I.

…

"Our part of this mission is to distract them," Raven says. All eyes are pinned on her, absorbing every word that comes from her mouth. "We will break through their defenses at the White House and engage in battle while those in the higher-levels of the Resistance will do their thing."

"What thing?" Someone asks.

"Not sure," she says. I can't tell if she's lying or not. She lied to me last time. "Rumor is, they're going to force the president to sign a treaty. Those who wish to undergo the operation can chose to. Those who don't won't be forced. And children of both sexes can mingle and be free to love."

At that word, people cheer.

"We will split into five groups," Tack says. "There are five levels of security. While the first group distracts, the second will advance and take on the second level defense, and so on. Understand?"

We nod, and he begins listing the members in each group. I am in Five, along with Julian and Raven. Tack, Hunter, and Alex are in Four.

Raven turns to me with a diabolical smile. "Ready to kick ass, Lena?"

…

So far, the plan has succeeded. As the Three begin making a commotion that reverberates down the hall, Four and Five rush down the corridor. We can barely see them, but rustling movements indicate security, Scavengers, and DFA agents ahead. I can only hope my mother and her associates in the upper-levels of the Resistance are doing their job well.

We are.

Then it's time. Time for Tack's group to go. My heart clenches.

I'm afraid. Afraid for all of them. Tack, Hunter, and especially Alex. I can't bear the thought of losing him again, even if he hates me. I catch his eye and mouth, _be safe._ He nods stiffly and something flickers across his face. He points at me.

_You too._

From the corner of my eye, I see Raven scowling disapprovingly. Now is not the time for sentiments. We will see them again. We have to.

Our group scurries past hallways and corridors, occasionally taking down unsuspecting officers with tranquilizers instead of guns. This way, they won't make noise. Halfway through, I hear pounding from down the hall. We freeze.

Then the doors behind us spring open, and masses of DFA agents, police officers, and Scavengers stream into the hallway, firing. Bullets rocket off the paintings and portraits hanging on the wall. The gun in my hand goes off, once, twice, and then I lose track, but it's not enough. There's just too many enemies.

Our numbers drop.

"Scatter!" Raven yells. I've never heard her so unnerved. "Retreat!"

Her eyes meet mine for a second. "_Run!"_

I push Julian and then we're running, stumbling over bodies, down the hall from where we came. He grabs my hand and drags me around a corner, where a room with double doors stands. I look back over my shoulder, just in time to see Raven fall, her mouth opened in a soundless scream.

…

I burst into the room, with Julian at my heels. People pop up from everywhere, guns cocked, aimed at our chests. And they freeze.

"Lena?" An astonished voice exclaims. "What are you doing? Your group…"

My eyes lock on Alex's. For a moment, his eyes are clear – the same melting, soft color I'd always dreamed of. The shock of us has left him temporarily vulnerable.

I shake my head. "Plan changed. They set us up, and – and – " I can't bring myself to say it. Raven. Dead. " You guys didn't encounter any security, did you?"

They shake their heads.

"We were waiting here, for ambush," Alex says.

"There are several dozens of DFA out there," Julian says.

Another voice speaks gruffly. Tack. "Well, then, move your asses and grab the – "

The person beside him falls to the ground in a pool of blood. Suddenly, the gunfire explodes from all directions. DFA agents, police officers, and Scavengers flood into the room, aiming at anyone they can see.

Across the room from me, a man stands. Our eyes lock, and time freezes. I see his finger pressing down on the trigger. I hear the slow booming of the gunshot. And I see the bullet spinning in midair, heading straight for my heart.

I squeeze my eyes shut. This is it. This is the end. This is where I stand.

And I don't feel anything. I open my eyes and check my body. I'm fine. Completely fine.

But the boy in front of me isn't.

Dark brown hair, like a crown of autumn leaves.

Alex falls to his knees in front of me, his mouth open and gasping, his hand clutching at the red blood spilling from his chest, through his fingers. It soaks his shirt, and the blood is so dark it's impossible to distinguish it from the black cloth he's wearing.

Julian launches himself forward, knocking the guy over and wrestling for the gun. But all I can see is red. Red, red, red. Gushing from Alex's chest. I collapse next to him. It feels as though I have been shot as well.

"Alex," I whisper, frantically pressing my hands to his wound. I strip off my jacket, trying to stop the bleeding. Around me people are dropping, Invalids and DFA alike.

There are tears on his cheeks, but his eyes are clear and warm and melting, golden brown. My tears, I realize. I didn't even know I was crying. His fingers clench weakly around mine. Or maybe it's just a spasm.

"I guess I was wrong," he gasps.

"Shhhhh." My voice shakes. "Save your energy."

The corners of his mouth lift. He closes his eyes. "I did save you."

This time, I can't hold back the avalanche of tears that pound down my face. I sob, for everything that has happened. For Alex, trapped behind that fence so long ago, looking like an angel in smoke and fire, his arm pressed to his chest, blood seeping everywhere. For Grace, my sister whom I left when I ran. For Raven, defiant and brave and loyal until the end. And now, for Alex again.

Someone shakes me and I scream, jerking away. I throw my body over Alex's. "Don't touch me! Don't hurt him!"

Tack says softly, "Lena. It's over. The Resistance convinced the teens and the younger kids to fight with us. They pulled through. We've won. The president has just signed the treaty."

Through my tears, I see the remaining DFA and Scavengers, looking dazed and horrified at the massacre before them. I can hear the gears in their head turning. All for nothing. All this bloodshed, and they had still lost everything.

Alex is laid on a stretcher and sped off to the nearest hospital. It's hopeless. We all know it. But somehow, I still can't let it go. The thought of losing him again burns through me. I wish I had been shot. I wish the bullet had pierced my heart.

When the doctors finally let me in the operation room, they don't look me in the eye. And I understand.

Alex lies on a bed, hooked to wires and IV fluid lines and other monitoring devices. A tiny screen beeps, showing his heart rate. Slow, weak, dying.

But I believe in miracles. I believe in love.

I stroke my hands through his hair, now tinged red and hardened with blood. But it still flows through my fingers like silk. "Alex," I whisper. I run my lips across his cold ones, gently, soft as butterfly wings. "I love you."

The beeping speeds up slightly.

And maybe in another world, maybe Alex would have said I love you too. Maybe I would have seen those brown eyes once more. Maybe we would have shared another smile.

But in this world, he passes without a sound.

They say that with the good comes the bad. You have to take the bitter with the sweet. There's no sunshine without rain. Nothing – _nothing – _ever goes for free. There's always a catch: an expense to pay.

I wanted free and I got freedom. But Alex was my price.

…

"Hi."

I turn from my spot on the park bench where I had been gazing into nowhere. Blond hair glints in the sun and those blue eyes shine tentatively. Julian.

He gestures to the space next to me. "Can I…?"

"Sure." I scoot aside and make room. Since Alex's death, I hadn't seen him.

"I'm sorry about Alex," Julian says softly. "I really am."

I don't doubt that. "I know."

He puts his hand over mine, as a comforting gesture. It's meant for support, but there's also so much more to it.

And I think, just like how I always have, of Alex. Even when I was with Julian, I had always thought of Alex. Now I remember him, remember us, standing in that apartment lobby, and Alex is saying, "I'm not sure Julian would do the same for you."

He was right. Julian hadn't. I didn't doubt that Julian loved me. He did. But he had hesitated when the man fired. A hesitation. Just a small one, but in that moment, it meant life or death. He had had to choose between his life and mine. He had wondered if my life was worth more than his.

Alex hadn't.

I pull my hand away. "Julian…"

"I know," he says. "I know. It's still too early. But I love you, Lena. I'll wait, even if it means forever."

I shake my head. "My heart belongs to Alex. It always has, and it always will. I love you too, Julian, but not in the way I love him. Someday, trust me, you'll understand. You'll find that person, and then you'll know. Someone you'll be willing to die for. But I'm not that person. I'm only the girl who introduced you to this. To the deliria. To love. But you'll love again, because I'm not the one for you. Someone else is. Someone who's probably out there this minute, waiting."

I stand up, unable to take in the sight of his stunned expression. "Goodbye, Julian."

I wander aimlessly through the streets. Around me, younger children are beginning to experiment with the opposite gender. Young boys, chase young girls through the grass, giggling, teasing, and playing. Under the shades of trees, teenage couples hold hands and kiss, loving freely, while older people – grandparents and middle aged folks – stare disapprovingly. But in a few generations, this "deliria" will no longer be frowned upon. Some of the cured are even beginning to fall in love again.

Love is powerful. Love is strong. Love changes you.

I close my eyes and imagine Alex's fingers lacing through mine. My head tips back towards the clouds.

Somewhere up there, Alex and I are wrapped in an embrace, laughing, teasing, kissing.

Loving.

**Oneshot.**

**Yeah. Alex dies. She dumps Julian. I had you fooled, did I, making you think Alex was gonna live. **

**I'm sorry if some details were off from the original story, or if anyone was out of character.**

**But anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. **

**REVIEW! And tell me if I tricked you or not**


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